Whatever you believe in;

God, mother nature, the universe, whatever it is you believe in.. he/she/it/them.... 
She's always listening. 
Since this morning, it's just been this blegh feeling of, "this isn't my life, this isn't real, I'll wake up && everything will be different" 
But alas, here we are, yet again. 
Since my eyes have opened, I keep asking, "please give me a sign. Show me you're here. One of you dead fucks" because yes. I guess I woke up && chose depression && anger. 
I kinda give up, come back to the back door, ask again out loud, "Billie? Padre? Seester? Chetty?" Nothing. 

Why is it, with no hope whatsoever, && I can feel my head get darker, this little bird that we haven't seen since the spring, lands right on the stair rail, && we just stare at each other. 
Coincidence? Maybe. But take it as you will, I asked for my sign, && got my sign. 

Idk which one of them it was from. But padre promised to leave signs when he could && if he was able. Billie did the same thing. Charity always said she was gonna haunt someone. && You sister? You kinda left us all on read. Lol. Just because you promised me you'd do cynical shit, a bird on a hand rail doesn't seem to cynical to me. 

Because I got my sign, today's a new day. I have to find the positive in today. Maybe I'll do some makeup. Make myself feel some form of something for myself. Painting really didn't help the other day, && neither did my random ass ranting to this stuff, but again lol here I am. 

I started this entire blog in hopes of helping, freaking SOMEONE.. being someones light or a reason to believe, that it is, indeed, going to get better. But, how can I do that when I myself feel like giving up? I started this in hopes of installing hope. Whether I do that or not, is a whole ass other story. Because all while I am juggling the losses of you sister, && now padre && Billie, someone pointed something out. I'm raising three boys. Not one. Not two, but now three, && one of them is trying to walk everywhere. Which is absolutely freaking terrifying. You have to be mentally strong to take care of a boy let me tell you. Lol. 
So, I've got this. I have to got this. I have to have this? 
I woke up. I have a roof over my head. I have my aminals, ((yea. Read it right. I spell it that way cause that's how we've always said it)), we have food, water, love. The boys && Anthony woke up today. Mom woke up today. We're missing you && padre, but we're alive. That all within itself, is amazing. 
I have to change my mind sister, if I don't, I'm going to fall into the same fate you did. && I can't. 

I love you sister. I miss you. So much. 
Thank you for my signs guys. I'm sorry I was so angry from the get go. I'm working on it. I promise. 


Being happy is out there, I just have to chase the fuck out of it. Guess we're both running until we're out of breath right?!? 

Here. We. Fucking. Go. 

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