Things I want to say..

Today, today's the day you knew you were done. You couldn't do it anymore. && That's okay. I'm here to keep fighting your fight. I'm here to keep living. To keep promises you left behind. I am STILL your rock sister. Just like you're my rock, my secret keeper, my other half. My human diary. My human soul mate. My little sister.  It brings me to such a serious question....  What would you do, if you knew today was your last day? *Insert Nickelback here*  What did you do sister, knowing it was your last?  You messaged everyone you loved. Just to make sure they knew, you loved them. You said what you thought you had left to say. At least what you could think of at that time. You changed all of your passwords, to make sure my nosy ass wouldn't find out where you were getting your stuff from. But plot twist sister, I still found out. Did you forget who I was lol. You did your drugs to numb the pain. But sister, did it numb the pain?  This is just somethin...

It's a new year. So this is the year of healing for me sister.  Which means, I'll start to be honest, with myself. With my therapist. With everyone.  Because anytime anyone asks, "are you okay?" I feel like a bad person, saying I'm fine. I'm okay. Or I'm meh.  Because in reality sister, I'm not. If it isn't the voices in my head, it's my inner demons. If it isn't all of that, it's the past. && Things that could have been done differently, said different, etc.  I can't let them win. I have to do this shit for you. I really do. I have to do it for padre. Since you left, I have no choice but to make sure she isn't alone.  This is the year of healing. This is the year that I'll get your story out there somehow. I'll figure out a way to help people here. Hell, maybe it could become a world wide thing.  This is the year, that I'll stop blaming myself for what you chose to do. I never will understand how your demons...

God, mother nature, the universe, whatever it is you believe in.. he/she/it/them....  She's always listening.  Since this morning, it's just been this blegh feeling of, "this isn't my life, this isn't real, I'll wake up && everything will be different"  But alas, here we are, yet again.  Since my eyes have opened, I keep asking, "please give me a sign. Show me you're here. One of you dead fucks" because yes. I guess I woke up && chose depression && anger.  I kinda give up, come back to the back door, ask again out loud, "Billie? Padre? Seester? Chetty?" Nothing.  Why is it, with no hope whatsoever, && I can feel my head get darker, this little bird that we haven't seen since the spring, lands right on the stair rail, && we just stare at each other.  Coincidence? Maybe. But take it as you will, I asked for my sign, && got my sign.  Idk which one of them it was from. But padre promis...

Maybe it's just too hard for me to grasp (I started typing this MONTHS ago sister. It's been a while) The title, it was part of your note. && Sister, I'm here to tell you, I can't.  There was no being happy after you left.  Here we are, January 6th. Tinys first bday.  Charity's 6th anniversary, of the day she died. She's been gone six years today sister. && The hurt hasn't decreased in any form. I still cry when I start thinking about her.  Just like I do when I think about you. && Padre.  My list grew a little more the other day. Billie. My sponsor, I hope you were there waiting for her too sister. You knew how important she was to me. I'm happy y'all two had met.  I've decided I'm pulling myself out of of this fucking hole I've managed to get myself in.  I called to have my meds refilled. && Re-evaluated. I need the help sister. Its getting so bad again.  I miss you today sister. It's so w...