I'm sorry for being selfish.

Maybe as my therapist would say, this is a part of grief. You have good days && bad days. 
I'm so tired of hearing the same thing over && over. I just want different ways to deal with the shit. Without going back to everything that makes me numb. 

On today's episode of what fucked me up, a suicide. On a show. && Usually, it's not too bad on me mentally. Because they usually don't hang themselves. 

Well, this one did, && maybe the makeup was too fucking good. Because instantly, it wasn't a man who was married with kids... It was you, && at that point, I felt my heart drop. Instantly, I couldn't breathe. && Of course the few people who can make it better, can't. So.... Here I am. 
Still trying to figure out how the fuck to cope. Or even fucking breath right. 
This is hell. 
I'm sorry I've called you selfish. I'm sorry that you hurt so much. I'm sorry that you didn't think you had any other way out.  
I'm sorry I wasn't there. 
I'm sorry that I don't know how to handle you being gone. You were a whole ass half of my heart. && Last I checked, you can't live without half a heart right? 

I'm sorry I'm hurting so much. I'm sorry I'm being so dark. But I'm turning to videos on your phone just to hear you laugh again, hear you say sissy, one more time. 

Thank you for last year. 
With my fucking birthday approaching, I want to say thank you for making my last birthday, the best one I ever had. Thank you for sharing your birthday with me. 
&& I know you didn't physically get to touch Luka, BUT, he did kick && move around anytime he heard you laugh. Hmmm.. 
You were right btw. I may not have had a girl that looks like you, but now, two boys. Luka looks just like you too. 
It's scary how identical Jr is. && Then looking at pictures of Jr when he was tinys age, it's just, amazing. 
Idk how or even why. But I'll take what I can get that's left of you. 
I love you sister. I miss you. 
Every. Single. Fucking. Day. 

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