Fun fact. birthdays now suck.

October 28, 2021

I was dreading my birthday this year, but not like the birthdays that I destroyed on my own... Leaving an amazing relationship, doing meth, you know.. that kinda thing. Those times..... No....

This year, I dread it, because my person wasn't going to text me at 12:01 a.m to say happy fucking birthday. Call me old... Have some snarky ass comment lol.

I literally hid from the world on my bday. Because I just wanted it to be a normal Sunday.

Mother asked if I wanted my birthday chicken this year, && let me tell you, the answer was no.

I was BEYOND blessed last year. I got to share my bday chicken with you, since you were in Ohio for your birthday.

We shared my birthday. && It was amazing. We all had so many stories to share with the boys && boyfriends. 😂

You yet again called me out on the no i.q joke && me on your green card, or driving through the mountains. We heard stories from padre. Mother. Austin, && Anthony.

I never want to forget it.

This year. I stayed up. I kept looking at my phone hoping you'd text me. Or call me. Video chat me. Anything.

When in reality, you're gone.. laying 6 feet under dirt, grass, god knows what else. In a box.

My birthday was full of anxiety, quiet, forced smiles. Twas a shit show in my head.

I had to go back && read the text you sent me last year, over && over && over.

I had to go back && look at the pictures over && over. I had to hold the stencil of the tattoo you had on your arm, over && over.

I cuddled your blanket. I cried... A lot. && Randomly at that. One minute I'd be fine. The next, I couldn't breathe. It was me walking in to identify you, all over again.

That day just played, over && over, them pulling the sheet off of you. && Feeling like my heart just stopped when I saw your face under a bag of ice.

I wanted to die.

You are forever 23. So I wanted to be forever 30.

It got dark. But calm. && I think that's what scared me.

I have EVERYTHING in the world to be grateful for. I have my boys, an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends, both of my parents, who always have my back. A house, food, etc. I have no reason to want to leave. Especially with three kids.

But that's not how depression works. It's not how manic moments work.

Being able to recognize a moment, && not, is how I had to get out. Which is hard to understand, unless you understand.

Sometimes I just wish the world understood that. && That alone.

When someone says they want to die, sometimes they don't, they just want the pain to stop. The stress, anxiety, rage. Every feeling hitting at once.

All the inner monologues going at once, we just want peace. && I guess we hope for that by being gone.

I miss you sister. I understood you. && Still do now.

You were right, life is going on. But that doesn't mean that any of us feel like it should be.

It really shouldn't.

You were such a light in people's lives. You were never a burden. Ive now told you this in life, && death.

I love you. The boys miss you.

Thank you for feeling tiny move on my bday last year. I wish you were here to watch him grow now. Thank you for sharing my birthday with me last year. Thank you for existing. Thank you for 23 years of a phenomenal life with you.

I can't wait to see you sister. Truly.

I love you.