Things I want to say..

I was dreading my birthday this year, but not like the birthdays that I destroyed on my own... Leaving an amazing relationship, doing meth, you know.. that kinda thing. Those times..... No....  This year, I dread it, because my person wasn't going to text me at 12:01 a.m to say happy fucking birthday. Call me old... Have some snarky ass comment lol.  I literally hid from the world on my bday. Because I just wanted it to be a normal Sunday.  Mother asked if I wanted my birthday chicken this year, && let me tell you, the answer was no.  I was BEYOND blessed last year. I got to share my bday chicken with you, since you were in Ohio for your birthday.  We shared my birthday. && It was amazing. We all had so many stories to share with the boys && boyfriends. 😂  You yet again called me out on the no i.q joke && me on your green card, or driving through the mountains. We heard stories from padre. Mother. Austin, && Anthony....

Maybe as my therapist would say, this is a part of grief. You have good days && bad days.  I'm so tired of hearing the same thing over && over. I just want different ways to deal with the shit. Without going back to everything that makes me numb.  On today's episode of what fucked me up, a suicide. On a show. && Usually, it's not too bad on me mentally. Because they usually don't hang themselves.  Well, this one did, && maybe the makeup was too fucking good. Because instantly, it wasn't a man who was married with kids... It was you, && at that point, I felt my heart drop. Instantly, I couldn't breathe. && Of course the few people who can make it better, can't. So.... Here I am.  Still trying to figure out how the fuck to cope. Or even fucking breath right.  This is hell.  I'm sorry I've called you selfish. I'm sorry that you hurt so much. I'm sorry that you didn't think you had any other way...

Sitting in silence after an emotionally exhausting day.  The tiny met his great great grandma today Tay.. on Anthonys side of course...  I wore one of your shirts. Because of how bad I missed you this morning. && I think you knew more about fashion than you ever gave yourself credit for.  Because this shirt is.... Wait for it.... 'BUSSIN!!  😂I love you. I know you would have told me to shut the hell up had I actually said it.  I think it's getting harder the closer it gets to that one day...  I'm just.. not ready for it sister. I'm not. This is a first for me. I don't wish it on anyone   So shit man, give me a sign. A dream, something.... How the hell can I help with this?  How can I make it stop? How can I show EVERYONE that they, fucking, matter.  You were one of the brightest ... && Loudest.... In the room. At all times... You have no idea how many times you've pulled me out of that dark place....  You see all my ligh...

As the title says. Less than an hour until I record your name being read on a wall dedicated to those we've lost to suicide.  If I had a choice, I'd want to be there. But since COVID has once again reeked it's havoc, my inner social butterfly is super excited to be doing it from home.  I've gone through like three manic episodes in the last hour. Where I can't stop shaking. I can't breathe.... && If I sit still that's it.  Hence why I'm doing this now. Breathing, writing. Trying to remember the good.  It was supposed to be beautiful. && Now, all I can think of is how sad it is, that you're going to be on a wall, because life is shit.  I fucking miss you man. It's been, way too damn long.  && I'm honestly terrified of doing this without you.  Because at some point in life, I'll be alone.  && Again I feel selfish as shit for even thinking that. Because at the same time, I understand all too well.... All.. too...

Today's been hell. Full of nothing but literally nothing.  I've been sad. I miss you so much.  This popped up on my memories today, && honestly I've been dreading it since February 1st.  Because for some stupid reason, that was one of the things I thought about as I was staring at you on that table. That days been playing over && over in my head.  Walking into that room in the hospital. Rachel holding my hand, you were covered, && for some stupid reason, I kept thinking, no, it's not her. It doesn't even look like her under that sheet.  But there you were. Hair in a messy bun, I could see where you had been crying.  I remember holding mother's face as she kept kissing you && repeating your name. I had to hold her face && tell her to breathe.  I walked over to padre as he sat in that chair asking why over && over.  I kissed you, I hugged you, I played with your hair. They had you covered in ice to pre...