Backsliding

I attended an online concert for the first time... My first jelly roll concert. I remember when you called me to tell me you were going two years ago.... && I quote "I wish you could come.. I miss you"
We had just seen each other a day before... It would had been our first concert together. && I'm sad I didn't get that chance Taylor. Truly. 

My mission in life now is to tell your story. Show the truth of what this does to the people you leave behind.... But idk how. Our cousin told me I already am. But I just don't see how. I wish I could. 

I miss you heavy today. I miss your voice. Last week was hard. 
This week, is even harder. 
Also. I'm stupid mad at you for not being here to do this 5k! You promised me you'd do the next one with me.. && now, I'm doing it for you. 
The amount of people I'm hoping to show up, is a good number considering I'm kind of a loner. 
The amount of people that wished they could go but can't due to work, makes me so happy. 
We even have family in other damn states... Clear across the u.s whom are going to participate from where they are! FOR YOU! 
Florida, && California, if that doesn't show you how important you are. Idk what will man... 

I wish I knew if you were at that concert sister. Just the coincidence of the situations that happened. Is literally mind blowing... && There's no way it was just a coincidence... There's no way.. I've only talked about this with a few people. One of them being your boyfriend who was there at the concert && realized after I text yelled at him lol. 
We miss you sister. 
I got my sad meds upped again. 
They're just not sure whether it's the grief anymore or my actual depression fueled by your departing. 
But since my meds have been raised, I do feel a difference. 
Some days are better than others. But I have more of a give a shit to do things. If I'm not moving, I'm thinking. && When I'm thinking, tis no bueno. 

What can I do sister ....  OMGOODNESS!!! there's this surprise that's going to be revealed at the 5k that I'm kind of excited about. I shouldn't be. But I am.... Maybe it's because, you'll never be forgotten.. ever... Your name is forever... Hopefully, your story .. one of these days, I'll have a flashback && just decide to write .. 

I randomly remembered taking a nap under your crib the other day. It was storming, && I was laying tiny down for a nap. There was lightening, thunder, && he jumped... && All I could remember, was a storm, kind of like that, && missing you, so I ran to our parents room, && made myself a little bed under your crib. Madre found me, took a picture. && I honestly can't wait to get that picture. Or take a picture of that picture lol whichever comes first...... 

I miss you sister. I really really miss you. But I get it. 
I do. 
But I also wish you would had given me the chance to try to save you again. 
You thanked me for saving you the last time.... I just wish you would had tried. 


I love you sister. 
I miss you terribly... 
I hope you're okay... 

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