Things I want to say..

That's a long time to not have you sister. 8 months. That's a lot. Especially when I was so used to talking to you, everyday. Or every other day. If it wasn't face to face, it was through video chat.  We always had a weird relationship. We hated && loved each other.  We weren't always the best of friends, but god knows how many times after we'd fight, I'd hold you && say I was sorry.  Thank you for that sister. Thank you for always forgiving me.  I always forgave you too.  Even now, finding out a few days after you had died, that you had relapsed. && Then putting the pieces together of when, && from who. I felt like a damn detective.  Remember when we were little? && You constantly told on me? Some of the stuff was true, yea lol I'll own up to that now, but some stuff was also not true.  That's why Jr reminds me so much of you. Sometimes willing to go out of his way just to get his brother in trouble... I hope th...

I wish the demons wouldn't had won.  I wish you would had logically thought about what you leaving would do to us.  But I know you couldn't help it. So it's nothing I blame you for.  It's easy to wish all this shit...... Maybe... No I lied. It really isn't... Because thinking about you, which is hard not to do.... Even when you were here asshole, is what hurts.  I keep trying to find something to fill this void in my chest since you've been gone...  ((Not drugs... Crafts, hobbies, etc)) && I think I'm running out of things lol. It's hard to not call you, number one because someone else has your phone number now, && that within itself is, a lot to handle....  Number two, because, you won't be picking up...  You were a LITERAL drug. All within yourself.  Since I haven't had video calls from you, random texts, memories that I don't have that are on your FB, random memes, etc. You saved me sister.  && For a good minute, I ...

Here it is. The great reveal.  Ever since finding out about this 5k run, I managed to get in contact with a lady who lost her daughter in 1997, her name is Karyl, her daughters name, is Arlyn. She has the same belief as me.  They should NEVER be forgotten. Even if it's too late to show them that they were our world now, it doesn't make it too late to show everyone who's still here, fighting these demons, that they are also a huge light in our lives. && Without them, were simply existing...  Anyways, Taylors name && picture, will be displayed && read aloud, along with 800 other names of the souls that chose to leave, on a wall in Nashville.  There will be a virtual reading since the numbers for covid have yet again, rose.... 🙄 I will be there, I'm sure my parents will... If you want to attend, let me know, I'll shoot you the email once I myself receive it. 🖤 But, if anyone out there, or even if it's yourself, are in a dark place, or you...

I attended an online concert for the first time... My first jelly roll concert. I remember when you called me to tell me you were going two years ago.... && I quote "I wish you could come.. I miss you" We had just seen each other a day before... It would had been our first concert together. && I'm sad I didn't get that chance Taylor. Truly.  My mission in life now is to tell your story. Show the truth of what this does to the people you leave behind.... But idk how. Our cousin told me I already am. But I just don't see how. I wish I could.  I miss you heavy today. I miss your voice. Last week was hard.  This week, is even harder.  Also. I'm stupid mad at you for not being here to do this 5k! You promised me you'd do the next one with me.. && now, I'm doing it for you.  The amount of people I'm hoping to show up, is a good number considering I'm kind of a loner.  The amount of people that wished they could go but can'...

Why sister? Why is today so damn hard.  Why am I searching endlessly for videos, just to hear your voice. Going over our messages over && over. Just to feel some form of normalcy.  It's been 225 days. 5,400 hours. Too. Freaking. Many.  I miss you.  I'm trying so hard to be positive. To "fix my state of mind" because, you know, it's all in my hands && shit.  But I remember you trying to do this, right before you gave up.  I'm so tired of hurting sister.  I'm so tired of it all.  I miss you. That's all for now.  I love you. More than your stupid ass would ever understand.  Cheers to suicide awareness month.  Fuck you for making us all go through this.