5-1-2021


https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=pYN0NPMrHBY&feature=shareTays playlist


It still doesn't seem real. && When I sit && actually think about it sister, I start to shake. Because I just want to know why. 
I want to know why at 10:52, you didn't just make that call. 
((She googled the Dickson hospitals number.))

&& Then, the multiple personality kicked in, with a dash of depression, anxiety, insecurities, && god knows what else, her switch flipped. *Snaps*
Just. Like. That. 
I want to know instantly why you chose the way you did. You didn't deserve that sister. 
It's so scary. You didn't deserve to feel all of that. 
You didn't deserve to go. 
&& That probably could be taken the wrong way since they say, ((they being the general population)), that "the good die young."
&& I say that is absolute bullshit. 

All ages die before any of us are ready to let go. 
All good, die. 

&& Who's to say that means that those left here, aren't good? Is that what it means? 
I'm at such this weird space in this process. 
Sometimes, it feels like tunnel vision. && Then sometimes it just feels like I'm searching endlessly for this high that doesn't exist. 
The high being you sister... Yet again... 
Thinking of every fucking way to see you again. Or hear you. Play with your hair. Or listen to you bitch about me not cuddling with you. 

I want to hear you yell "why do you hate me" one more time. 

Mother && I started talking about when I ran away. 
I think that's when our bond truly started. Because the night I was gone, I was safe, but you didn't know that. So after the police left, && they convinced you to go to sleep, you woke up a few hours later, yelling my name. Looking for me. 

&& That eats me alive Taylor. So much. Because I feel like I've fucking failed you as a sister. && I know you said it wasn't us. Not to blame ourselves. But HOW THE FUCK am I not supposed to blame myself when my one job in life, was to always be there for you!!!!  

Everything sister, is eating me Alive. 
I miss you so hard this week. 
You shouldn't be smiling at me from a plaque on the ground. You should be here giving me hugs or pressuring me to take a shot. 

I wish you understood the people that were here for you. 
For instance, the people who bought your headstone. 
I'm so damn grateful for them Tay. I wish you understood, there were so many people here. 

So. So many. 
I love you. 
I miss you. 
So. Damn. Much. 

Forever && always. To infinity && beyond. We promise.

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