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 I'm so lost. I'm two shots in. I rewatch your videos over && over, just to hear your voice. I'm searching endlessly, for your eyes in the crowd, hoping this is just a terrible dream, && that I'll wake up. 

I keep searching for you, everywhere. In the sky, in the stars. I keep checking my phone hoping you'll call or text me. I just want to hear your voice. 

I want you to bitch at me. I want you to start a fight. I fucking hate you for leaving. But I don't at the same time. 

I'm so scared to do this alone sister. I can feel myself slipping. Because day by day, it just keeps getting darker. 

I think I'll take a third shot, && smoke this cigarette. Then maybe I'll jump in the shower where I can cry. 

I already screamed.. anthony isn't home. 

I'm so anxious. At all times. I'm so tired of crying. It physically hurts to cry. It's been an month && a half && I feel incomplete. 


I'm trying so hard to be strong for everyone. Mother, padre, the boys.... But alone, I'm at my most vulnerable. Im broken. 

I need you. && You left me. 

I feel selfish for asking you to deal with the pain to stay, but if I have to, why shouldn't you? 

This is a bullshit roller coaster, && I'm on it all alone.

I know there's people I can talk to, to vent to, to cry to. But you. YOU were my person. You listened with no judgement unless it was the occasional dark humor joke. 

I miss you so much 

I don't have anyone to send my dark humor memes to anymore. && Not being able to physically touch your face && hair anymore, is killing me. 

Who the fuck is going to let me fishtail their hair now?

It's beautiful outside today, && I absolutely hate it. 

I just want it all to end. 

I want the world to end so I can be with you again. 

I need a hug from my sister. I need to hear you say I love you.. not read it on some god forsaken note you left us. 

It's not good enough

You were always good enough. You were fucking perfect. Your mind was dark but so is mine. 


It will never be fair to me. Never. 


As to why I have to put up with this bullshit world. && You left it. 

You left me in this bullshit world without you. 


I miss you. 

I love you. 





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