I leave a little bit of you everywhere I go.

Somewhere on the beach, is a picture of you && padre with y'all's story. A short version of it anyway, with a link to this blog. I really hope someone finds it, reads it, && hears your story. 

I hope it inspires someone to stay. Because man oh man, knowing what I know now, I just wanna hug you tighter than I think I ever had. I'm sorry I failed you as a sister, I truly am. 

This trip was needed, I just wish you woulda came with. I know you were in so many ways but to physically have you here would be amazing. It'd be just like our trip to Arkansas, maybe even better. 

I fucked up && didn't apply enough sunscreen though lol like you did that one time. The shit hurts man 😂 && Im about 90% sure I rebroke my foot, or just a different part of it. 

I almost don't wanna go back, but you're there; padres there. Sadly, it's home.

But what if this is the start of a new adventure? I know you're wouldn't want us to feel trapped, but sister, we do. All of us. 

I wish you would had chose to stay. But I understand why you didn't. It truly makes me wonder, did you think you would impact people this much? Did you really think you as a whole didn't inspire me? You did. You still do. You push me every, damn day to keep going. 

I wish I could had inspired you to do the same. 

I took the tank top you passed in, your sleep pants, padres sleep pants, y'all's liquor bottles (still unopened), your choker, a shit ton of y'all's things. 

I wonder if this sense of dread is what you felt when you came back from Ohio. The entire not wanting to go back, but at the same time, knowing you need to. 

I love that gangsters paradise started playing on the radio as I'm writing this. Lol yet again maybe another coincidence? Or you? Guess I won't know until I see you again. It's so weird sister, to physically look forward to dying. I can't wait to see you && padre again,I can't wait to hug y'all, && Then probably slap the shit outta the both of you! To physically feel you, I just can't wait. That's all there is to it. 

Yesterday there was this severe storm that hit && having the view we did was absolutely beautiful because I saw the poetry behind it. We watched lighting hit the ocean twice, Anthony && I went out && explored && found so many beautiful shells that had been washed up. I wish I woulda found a sand dollar but that was one of the things I was unable to find. && Since my r.a decided to flare up yesterday, I knocked out into a coma, so the entire plan of going out at night didn't happen 😭. ANYWAYS, watching the waves form && break, watching the wind push the waves, the storm clouds, the curtain of rain pouring into the ocean, it was absolutely beautiful. Because even the ocean falls apart to come back together. We all have to lose our shit, to remember we are absolutely beautiful. Our purpose, our effects on others, it all coincides. 

I'm learning, I have to be patient with myself, with others, because in all reality, life is shit && it's hard, but it's up to us to grab that bitch by the handlebars && guide it to where we wanna be. 

I'm working on it sister for you, and for padre. 

It's a whole ass jungle out here. 

By the way, it was nice being able to see the cousin we haven't seen in YEARS!!!! You had her eyes, the exact same color && sheen. It was nice seeing that, I've missed your eyes. 

I miss you. I love you. Forever && always. To the moon && back, to infinity && beyond. I promise.