The day that changed your life.

 Its been a year today since I called you to tell you that Dustin had passed away. Its so weird to me that the tables turned. I remember you doing this when Charity died. You were so sad, you told me to stay off facebook, wanted to know if I was sitting down, && if the boyfriend was around, just in case I passed out.

Thank you for always caring to that extent sister.

I remember Josh Gilbert messaging anthony, && then we called him. "Not Dustin Tidwell is it?" (Josh) "Yea." (Me) "I have to call my sister."

&& I did. I messaged you first to make sure you were awake. It was like 10 or 11 that night. II still have the conversation saved.

(Me) "Sister, are you okay? 

(Tay) "yea why?"

(Me) *Calls Tay* "Im sorry sister, are you sitting down?"

(Tay) "No why?"

(Me) "Sister, Dee wrecked his bike"

(Tay) "omg is he okay?"

(Me) "No"

I guess it was then that you called Tj && he confirmed. I remember when I first got your phone back from the detective, you had texted him saying "My sister said you wrecked your bike, are you okay?" && that message haunted me. Because, it was the beginning of the end of her life.


I will never understand grief. I always hear, "Itll get better" But in reality, it hasn't. Not one bit. Because even after Charitys been gone for 5 years now, I still get that ball of  "Im going to cry" in my throat if i sit && think about her for too long. But losing her, doesnt come close to losing you. But, it was the same concept. I didnt know how to cope after losing charity, so i turned to meth. It did everything I wanted it to. It kept me numb. It would shut my mind up for long enough for me to think I was going to be okay. Or so I thought. && maybe thats where I fucked up. Because I saw the signs from you. Every single one of them. You did everything I did. && I wish it wasnt so much to list, I guess its one of those if you know you know kind of things. 

Your world was turned upside down. 

I called you everyday after that. && everytime I did, you were crying. You were so so sad. BUT you were also pissed. Someone had hit Dustin && Jillian, && you were dead set determined to make sure he was caught. 

Idk when the initial start of you using started, but, it all happened so fast. && of course I didnt put two && two together until we got your toxscreen back from the morgue. && then it all made sense. 

I wish I could tell you good news sister, like Lazos in jail. But hes not. Jillian && I have talked though. && we for fucking sure, are getting justice for her && D. I promise. Just, please be patient. ((Not your strong suit I know)).

Its just hard to think about, in three months, I'll probably be laying on your grave, crying uncontrollably. Cussing you out, laughing with you, drinking for you, smoking for you. I hope you've noticed that EVERYTIME i go see you, I take you a cigarette. I miss you taking all of mine. As a matter of fact, I'll smoke one for you when I'm done here. 

I miss you sister. && I remember, I never met D through you, I met him through Tj lol. We had gone kayaking for the first time, && Low && behold D && tj pulled up because they were also doing that. Dee hadnt been out of jail long. A week if that. && I saw tj, asked him to call you (this was right after your first major suicide attempt) because I was worried. I was worried you were back on shit. Dee asked me why I looked so familiar, && I said because Im Taylors big sister? && He just smiled.

He adored you sister. && I hope you know that. 

I'll hold onto every single story you ever told me. I wish I could find the shirt he gave you when you threw up all over yours. 

I love you sister. I will also forever hold onto the message you sent D, before you decided you couldnt do it anymore. "I love you. I'll see you at the crossroads homie"


Thats where we'll meet. I hope your patiently waiting for me. Sail on across the sky little sister, I'll see you on the other side.


Don't worry little sister, I got your back. I'm going to see Dustin today, even though you said you'd take me && never did. I'll visit his grave for you, although I'm pretty sure your partying it up with him. Hopefully anyways. 


I love you. I miss you. forever && always. to the moon && back. To infinity && beyond, I promise.






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