Things I want to say..

April 13, 2021 Oh sister. Today was harder than you know. I don't even know, where to begin. Maybe there is no beginning.  Visiting the house it happened at. Feeling you there. Missing you && wanting nothing but to rewind time, && hold you. I had hoped it would bring me closure, && in all reality. It didn't.  There really isn't much I can write sister.  I'm just so empty.  I miss you. So goddamn much.  Plz let me know you're around soon. 

We had such this weird way of loving each other. Constantly breathing down each other's necks, but always there for each other. Through thick && thin. My ride or die.  I came across this memory the other day, where you called me your hero. For many reasons, but one being, staying alive although I thought I had plenty of reasons not to be.   What about now? Can you be proud? You're not here anymore.  I had this reply to that report you took && read at school. && I hope I find it soon. Because it was honest. It was how I felt then, && how I feel now.  There's just more now.  They say there's a song for everything, && sister, you left me an entire playlist. I listen to it on repeat. I very seldom listen to my own music anymore. But I did add a few songs. Because they were fitting. && Just like before, I will always share my music with you, just like you did me.  Something was said the other day, && it ki...

Robin Gunningham said: "You die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time, a bit later on, when somebody says your name for the last time". && I just don't ever see that being the thing here sister. I won't ever, not speak your name, or tell stories. The boys, will never stop speaking about you.  I only wish you would have met the new little, which even in this case, I get to tell him about all the stupid shit, the fun times, all of it.  You have so many friends who will never let you die sister. Not in the spiritual side anyways. I guess the physical side, is already done.  It's hardest on days I need you. I wonder if this is how you got. Did you ever just get so, stuck that you were scared to ask me for help? Is that why you never fully opened up until I found out in the end?  It's so hard when I listen to your playlist. Because, I get it. But I have to stay. I don't have any options. You should have. I know you felt like a burden...

Today, an episode of iCarly came on. Sister, it was our episode.  Remember that night that charity came over? She showed up with fireball && some form of whiskey. I can't remember the name, but I remember the taste. && There it began... We drank..  && Drank. && Drank.  We turned the tv on, && iCarly was on. Of course, the episode, where they enter the cooking show against a chef, making spaghetti tacos. I remember us watching said episode, && one of us said, why haven't we made those before?  && Began the journey.  I grabbed a pot. You, grabbed the noodles, && charity took another shot lol. We made them. && We ate them. && From what I remember, they were pretty damn good.  I told the boys that story today. && I've been sad ever since.  Every fucking where I go sister. Everything I do. If someone isn't saying your name in the distance or to my face, it's something we...

 So this is all I'll ever have for you sister, words, on a screen. Because, lets face it, we both communicated better that way.  I'm not sure how many people have messaged me now sister, on your behalf i think. "how are you?" I usually reply with the same thing. "I'm existing." or "I'm here." Because in reality, that's all that I am. I'm just existing.  I cant say that I'm fully happy. I have my moments yes. These beautiful little moments of happiness, && then, just like that. they're over. Like I hit a wall, of sad, && reality.  "My sister is dead." it repeats, over, && over. && over && over. I saw you laying on that table, && i never got a moment to scream at you, to cry over you, or to cuddle with you. Which is everything I wanted to do. I waited sister. I waited for your chest to rise. I waited for you to pop up && say "kidding guys. i couldn't do...