Things I want to say..

 Mother && padre just left. Do you realize how much pressure you've put on me since you've left?  They stare at me Taylor.. && you know how uncomfortable that makes me  When I ask them what's wrong, "were just staring  at our beautiful daughter." Mother && I made a makeshift picture frame thing, all of pictures of you... You with us, you with other people, you by yourself. && I miss your stupid face.  Today's a hard day. Why did you ever think that this world was better without you?  I'm three shots in. && All I can think sister, is that I have no one to vent to about shit that anthonys done or said that kinda got to me. There's no one to tell me whether I'm being rational or not now. && I'm so alone. I know I'm not, but I am sister.  Because you're who I can open up to. Unapologetically. Without judgement.. I know I can do this with Rachel too, but I feel like she's already overwhelme...

 God damn you're everywhere. Jr insisted on noise while he ate his ramen, && at first, it was kickboxing which was fine. I like the violence lol. But after that, there's this fun fact show, about the hoover dam. && Now, I'm so fucking upset sister.  All I can remember Everytime they say the hoover dam, is you.  Taylor: "HOOVER DAM MAN"  mom: "hey!" Taylor: "what? It's a place! My teacher told me it wasn't a bad word if used in the right context" && After that, that's how we got away with cussing the word damn in front of mom 😂 I love you sister. I hate that you're everywhere but where I need you to be. 

 I choked tonight sister All I could do was keep swallowing, hoping for air.  How did you do it sister. Of all of the methods, why did you think you deserved that way to go?  Because the brief few seconds I couldn't breathe, I freaked out.  I'm sorry you hurt so much sister. I wish you saw your worth. I love you.  You deserved so much better. You are so much better....  Without you here, it's a literal physical living hell for me.  I miss you. So goddamn much.  I love you. So goddamn more than I could ever put into words. 

 I'm so lost. I'm two shots in. I rewatch your videos over && over, just to hear your voice. I'm searching endlessly, for your eyes in the crowd, hoping this is just a terrible dream, && that I'll wake up.  I keep searching for you, everywhere. In the sky, in the stars. I keep checking my phone hoping you'll call or text me. I just want to hear your voice.  I want you to bitch at me. I want you to start a fight. I fucking hate you for leaving. But I don't at the same time.  I'm so scared to do this alone sister. I can feel myself slipping. Because day by day, it just keeps getting darker.  I think I'll take a third shot, && smoke this cigarette. Then maybe I'll jump in the shower where I can cry.  I already screamed.. anthony isn't home.  I'm so anxious. At all times. I'm so tired of crying. It physically hurts to cry. It's been an month && a half && I feel incomplete.  I'm trying so hard to...